Science: The Birdening
by geckobubbles
Summary: GLaDOS was doing science. But then, birds happened, and that led to occurrences. This is a crackfic thing by the way. And also kind of a sequelish thing to The Sciencing of the Science. It takes place in the same stuff, at least.


It was a very scientific day. Or possibly a very scientific night. It's hard to tell in an underground science place. But the point is, it was very scientific.

But on this scientific point in time, science was being done. The doer of said science was a robot named GLaDOS. She really loved science. Most science, at least. Some other science, she hated. That science included the science done by Black Mesa.

Man, she hated Black Mesa. For some reason. There's clearly some reason for it. I'm not certain of the reason, but there's definitely probably some kind of reason.

But as she did science on this day and/or night, she thought about how much she hated Black Mesa. And as she thought, a thought occurred to her.

There could be a Black Mesa spy in here right now.

They could be _invisible_.

_They could be invisible and right in the room she's in right now._

GLaDOS paranoidedly looked around the room. But she knew that looking would be pointless if the spy is invisible. She knew what she had to do.

The room began to fillificate itself with neurotoxin. Except it wasn't fillificated by itself. GLaDOS did it. She does a lot of things. Quite a few things. And a decent amount of them involve science. And as the room fillificated, she watched and waited for any signs of stuff.

Suddenly, there were the sounds of coughing and dying and stuff. She made a claw happen towards the sounds, and an invisible person suddenly uninvisiblized.

"What are you doing here?" GLaDOS asked the person with a voice that suggested that she was really paranoid. Which she was. "You're a spy, aren't you? _Answer me!_"

The mystery person coughed and stuff, and said in a voice full of coughs and stuff, "I... I'm a mailman. I have mail for you..." with those words, he pulled out a couple of things in envelopes, and then died.

It was at that point that she noticed that the mailman was also a cyborg. Like some kind of cyborg mailman. Like some kind of...

_Mailborg_.

Then GLaDOS realized that she should probably check the things in the envelopes.

...but what if it was a _trap_?

What if someone sent it as some kind of trap of some kind?

What if _Black Mesa _sent it as some some kind of trap of some kind?

She quickly opened one of the envelope things and prepared to throw it into the incinerator if anything Black Mesaish happened. But then nothing Black Mesaish happened. There was just a letter in the envelope.

"Greetings Aperture Science,

It has come to our attention that you have kidnapped one of our fancy hero people. We would like him back, since we kind of need him to beat stuff up with his hammer for us. We are prepared to offer you stuff in exchange. Like money, or something. We could also give you his brother. He has a brother, and we don't really like him, so we could send him to you and stuff.

Sincerely, those Avenger people."

She looked at the letter and thought about it for a moment, and then opened the other envelope. But then she noticed something. There was nothing in the other envelope. But then, something began to happen.

A wizard was climbing out of the envelope. The wizard wore long, black robes covered in sequins and fire, and had a long, grey beard. Seriously, that beard was like ten feet long or something. And she smelled like a mirror that was covered in mayo and cheese.

"GLaDOS!" the wizard yelled, "You have committed crimes against our kind!"

"...what?" GLaDOS said in a rather confused voice.

"You were to be ours. We were to feast upon you. But you denied us our starchy sacrifice!"

She was wondering what the wizard was talking about for a moment, but then it occurred to her, "_No_..." GLaDOS said, "It can't be..."

"It is," the wizard said confirmingly, and then stuff began to happen. The wizard began to do stuff. Things happened, involving stuff, and feathers.

The wizard was now a bird.

No...

The wizard was _always_ a bird.

The wizard bird began screaming something. But GLaDOS couldn't tell what the wizard was saying, due to birdness. But it was yelling quite birdly, and things began to happen.

And those things came in the form of birds. There were birds. So many birds. And they were birding all over the place. The room was full of birds. The room was also still full of neurotoxin, but that didn't stop the birds. _Nothing can stop the birds_.

The whole thing was very terrifying. All GLaDOS could see was birds. All she could hear were birds. She probably couldn't taste or smell anything or something, but if she could, all she'd be able to taste and smell would be birds. All she could feel was birds. Every sense she had was full of bird.

Also she was now a bird. And due to her newfound birdness, she could now hear what the birds where saying.

"BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD BIRD!" the birds screamed. For some reason the birds only said "bird". Maybe it was some kind of weird chanting thing. The wizard bird, however, was laughing.

"HAHAHA HAA!" the wizard bird laughed, while the other birds began to disappear.

GLaDOS was kind of just sitting there. Being a bird. A really confused bird. And also rather terrified.

"HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAA!" the bird wizard continued to laugh, "You are a bird now!" she stated obviously.

GLaDOS continued to sit there in confused and horrified silence while being a bird.

"No..." she said horrifiededly.

"HA HA HAAAAAA HA!" the wizard bird laughed more. Man, this bird really likes laughing. "You have no hope of unbirding yourself! Unless you can find... _The Books!_"

"The books?" GLaDOS said in a confused, horrified, birdish voice.

"_The Books!_ The twelve books of magicalness!" the wizard bird explained explainingly, "They are magical! And books! And they do things!"

"...what_._"

"You must obtain all twelve of them in order to unbird yourself!" the bird wizard said before starting to laugh even more, "And if you never find them all... _than you will never unbird!_"

The wizard bird then started laughing again, and then started doing stuff. And then, she was gone, and GLaDOS was now alone in the room.

"_...what._"

After lying on the floor with horror and confusion for a few moments, GLaDOS decided to actually do something. So she got up, and began to look into how to leave the room. Except all her ideas involved her being able to move around stuff or make elevators happen. But she couldn't do that now. Because she was a bird. So she kind of just kicked a wall panel a bunch of times until it fell off, and then went through there.

She was now high above any kind of thing that could be stood on. Normally, that wasn't much of an obstacle for a bird, but she wasn't experienced at birdness, so that was a bit of a problem. And she was falling. Rather quickly. GLaDOS began to wonder why she thought this would be a good idea. But then she landed. And somehow, she didn't die a horrible, violent death from the landing. Somehow.

"Ooh, something landed on me!" a sudden voice said in a voice that was very cheerful and stuff, "And it's a bird! I like birds!~"

GLaDOS then looked at what she had landed on, and saw a thing. Said thing was rather square. In a three dimensional way. And by that I mean it was a cube. A companion cube.

"Hi bird!~" the cube said, in the same cheerful cubeish voice.

"..._WHAT_."

"My name is _~Sunshine McSunnysun!~_ What's yours?~" the cube whose name was apparently Sunshine McSunnysun said, and then giggled in a cheerful giggly way.

"..._how are you talking_?" GLaDOS said after not saying anything in a moment of silent stuff.

"By making noises that are words, silly!~" Sunshine declared while smiling, despite not having any kind of face at all.

GLaDOS stared for a moment before sighing and deciding that she's gone completely insane, "...my name is GLaDOS," she finally said.

"Ooooooooh, fancy name!~" Sunshine said, "It's like Gladys! But ~_fancier!~_"

"Sooo~" she began, "What are you doing here? It's been a long time since I've seen anyone else here."

"It's a long story," GLaDOS said, mainly to avoid telling the cube stuff.

"Oooh, I love long stories!~ Like the ones where the princess is kidnapped by a mean monster jerk, and she stabs him in the face and runs off!~"

GLaDOS then sighed and told the cube what happened.

"Ooooh, that explains why your name sounds exactly the same as the _~super~ ~fancy~_ computer queen's!~"

"...right," 'super fancy computer queen'. That was the first time she'd heard that one.

"Soooo~, we're on a quest to get those magical books?~"

"Yes, _I _am," GLaDOS said, in an attempt to specify that she didn't want Sunshine coming along with her.

Said attempt failed miserably.

"_~Alrighty!~_ Let's go!~" Sunshine then began to move off in some direction. Somehow. Despite the complete lack of any kind of legs or anything.

GLaDOS sighed and followed her.

So they wandered around for a while. GLaDOS had absolutely no idea where they were. Sunshine probably also didn't know where they were, but she didn't seem to care.

"Oooh, does this look like it would lead to one of those magical books?" the cube said while pointing at something. Somehow. GLaDOS doubted whatever she was pointing to would be useful, but she looked anyway.

It was an elevator to the surface.

A fully functional elevator to the surface.

"...it does," she said, while being rather surprised that Sunshine was actually right.

So they went into the elevator. And the elevator went up to the surface. Just like it's supposed to.

And now they were outside.

"Oooooh, it's so bright outside!~ Like some kind of... _~bright stuff!~_"

But GLaDOS wasn't paying attention to the brightness, or Sunshine's comments on the brightness. She noticed a thing that was rather noticey.

It was _her_. That fat, mute, murdery person.

_Chell._

...and she was lying on the ground for some reason. With her limbs all floppy. Like some kind of thing. Some kind of GModish thing. It was then that GLaDOS noticed something she never noticed before for some reason.

Chell was a scarecrow.

All along, she had always been a scarecrow, who had been possessed by the ghost of a Japanese girl who died four hundred years ago. The ghost escaped just after Chell was set free. And thus, all that was left was the scarecrow that had been possessed.

After a moment of staring at the scarecrow, GLaDOS decided to stop staring at the scarecrow.

"Hey GLaDOS!~" Sunshine suddenly said, "Look at this switchblade I just found!"

GLaDOS then looked towards the cube. She was now holding a switchblade. Somehow.

"Where did you find that?"

"I have no idea!~ Oooooh, look, there's some dried blood on it!~"

But then, there was a noise. A boomish noise. Immediately followed by a scream. But this wasn't the traditional kind of scream. This was the kind of scream you might hear from someone who was falling from a rather large height, and also extremely obsessed with space.

And then there was the sound of something landing after falling from a really large height.

"Oooh, someone fell from the sky!~" Sunshine declared excitedly, "I wonder if they died!~"

Sunshine ran off towards the fallen whatever it was. Despite not having any kind of way of actually moving. GLaDOS went and followed her.

They soon found a big crater. It was all big and round and stuff. And in the center was something less big. But still round.

It was a core. And upon the core's head, which was also its entire body, was a helmet. The helmet was made of dragon body parts. Also it had a sword which was equally made of dragon body parts. And it also seemed to be a bit burned by the sun for some reason. The burning could have been attributed to the fact that it just fell from space and stuff, but it was clearly because of the sun. For some reason. Also it was carrying around a bunch of random crap, like plants, and bits of dead stuff, and baskets. And bread. And rocks. And bread. Lots of bread. So much bread.

"Oh _space_, that spacing hurt!" the core yelled. The core was Space Core. It had just come back from space, after being in space for a while. And before it was in space, it was in Skyrim. Doing stuff.

"Hi!~" Sunshine cheerfully greetified, "Ooh, that hat is made of body parts! Ooooooh, and the sword has _~blood~_ on it!~"

GLaDOS stared at the core for a moment, before saying stuff, "...what." Space Core had no idea what she said, because she's a bird. Despite the fact that Sunshine apparently can understand her somehow. Maybe Sunshine learned to speak bird or something. I don't know.

But then noises were noisified. The noises of people coming towards the crater. GLaDOS looked towards the people coming towards the crater.

There were two cores, a deer, and a turret.

GLaDOS recognized them immediately. And she did not really want to see them or anything.

So she went and flew up to a tree that was right nearby. A tree that was just sitting right in the crator. That had not been knocked down at all by Space Core's landing. Sunshine saw her going to the tree, and somehow followed her up to the tree.

"Oooh, I like trees!~ Why are we in a tree?" she asked in a cheerful, cube-sounding voice.

"Quiet. I don't want to deal with them," GLaDOS whispered in response, because she really did not want to have to deal with them.

"Ooh, we're hiding? Hiding is fun!~" Sunshine whispered back.

So the cores, deer, and turret approached Space Core, and stuff was said. But GLaDOS didn't care about what they were saying, so she wasn't paying attention to that. So the details of that conversation will remain unknown.

_...for now._

She jumped off of the tree and landed on the other side, and the people in the crater were behind her. Sunshine also jumped down with her.

"Ooooooh, what's _~this?~_" the cube said while pointing at something. Somehow.

GLaDOS then looked at where Sunshine was somehow pointing to.

There was something. Some kind of thing. Sticking out of the ground. It appeared to be a chest. So they started digging around the chest, and that somehow didn't draw the attention of the behind the tree people. And the ground around the chest was digified away to reveal...

_A chest_.

GLaDOS tried to open it, but it was locked. So she tried again, and that time it opened. Somehow. And inside the chest, there was a crapload of books. But not just any books. These books were...

_The Books._

"Well, that's convenient," she said in a voice that suggested that she was surprised by the convenience of it. Which she was.

She pulled out all the books, and looked at them. Each one had different words and a number on the cover. The words on the covers were, in increasing order of the numbers on the books and stuff:

'Magicus Bookia',

'Bookicine Bookbook',

'Violentifia Magicky',

'Booky Booky',

'Bookious Ghostious',

'Stuffia Booktatia',

'Bookio Cookingy',

'Puddingia Cheesefries',

'Bookiana Destroyia',

'Booklia Koobia',

and 'Bookiabook Airconditionerous'

It was then that she noticed that there were only eleven books. The twelfth book wasn't there.

"Wait," GLaDOS saidified, "There's only eleven? But..."

"Only one more to go!~" Sunshine cheerfully proclaimed, "I wonder where it is! Oooooooh, maybe these books are the key to finding the last one!~"

GLaDOS then realized that that made sense. So she started reading the books. The first book was just an introduction to the rest of the books. The first ten pages had words, and the rest of it was blank. The second book was about healing and medicine and herbs and stuff like that. The third was about magically beating people up. The fourth one was a bunch of absurd, nonsensical ramblings. The fifth one was about dead people and ghosts and zombies and zombie goasts and stuff.

The sixth one was about various things. Like fire and Van Gogh and the history of lamps. The seventh one was a cook book, mainly focusing on meat-based stuff that would be good for dinner. The eighth book consisted of orange paper with some lime green dots, and occasionally a few words. The most common word was 'floor', but 'green' was also pretty common.

The ninth book was about magically destroying things. But not magically beating stuff up. There's a difference. The tenth book was mainly just a bunch of photos of various things, such as mirrors, toasters, and pie, each with a little caption below it. And the eleventh one was about air conditioner maintenance. The subject of the twelfth one was unknown, due to not having that one yet.

So after reading all that, GLaDOS still had no idea where the twelfth one was. But then, the books suddenly began to glow and arrange themselves in a line by numerical order and stuff. And words began to glow themselves onto the covers of the books. Each book had a word glown onto it.

"The final book is in The Horrible Evil Cave of Doom," the books spelled out.

"'The Horrible Evil Cave of Doom'," GLaDOS said to herself out loud. She knew that could not be good.

"Ooh, sounds fun!~" Sunshine said in the most cheerful and unsarcastic voice imaginable.

GLaDOS sighed. "Well. It seems we have to go to this cave."

So they went off in search of The Horrible Evil Cave of Doom. They wandered around for a while, because it was far away, and they had no idea where it was, because they didn't have a map or anything. But eventually, they found a village. A squirrel village. For some reason, there was a village full of squirrels. And squirrels fortunately know how to speak bird. And they also happened to know where THECOD(The Horrible Evil Cave of Doom) was. And THECOD just happened to be right nearby.

So they went to THECOD. They were standing just outside of it, and GLaDOS knew she was ready for whatever would be inside. She had prepared herself by learning the secrets of The Books. The ones that she already had, at least. She knew how to magically beat people up and blow stuff up and heal things, and how to cook some rather nice meals, and how to repair an air conditioner. She was as ready as she ever would be, so she then entered the cave.

It was dark quite dark in the cave. Dark like a bad fanfic might try to be by adding ridiculous amounts of thoroughly described gore. But the darkness didn't scare GLaDOS. She and Sunshine continued to walk through the cave. And then, after walking through the cave for a while, there was a room.

The room was brighter than the rest of the cave, despite there not being any kind of actual light source. It was rather large too, and mostly empty. But on the other end of the room, was a pedestal. And on that pedestal there was a book. The twelfth book.

GLaDOS began to approach the pedestal. But then, it occurred to her. This is exactly the kind of place where something would appear and attack them and be powerful and stuff. So she looked around really cautiously while approaching the book to make sure whatever happened wasn't a surprise and stuff. She walked right in front of the pedestal, just waiting for something to happen.

Nothing happened.

But she wasn't going to let her guard down. She continued to look around while she reached over to grab the book. Her birdish foot went towards the book, and began to make the graspy motions a bird foot would make to grab a thing. As her foot touched the book, she suddenly heard a sound.

The sound of an attack.

Immediately followed by a scream and a slamish noise.

She turned around, and saw things. Sunshine had been blasted towards the wall, and the scream was hers. The person who had done it was the bird wizard, who was now laughing evilly.

"You will never unbird!" the wizard bird screamed, "I will stop you from getting that last book! _VIA MURDER_!" With those words, the bird wizard sent a blast of some kind of magic towards GLaDOS. She quickly moved out of the way, and avoided the blastification that would have occurred if she hadn't moved out of the way.

GLaDOS now understood what had to be done.

She flew into the air like a bird. Which she was. A bird. Magical blasty lasers were sent flying towards her, but she flew out of the way of them, and made her own lasers happen. The bird wizard dodged those lasers and made more lasers happen. GLaDOS evadified a bunch of lasers, and then made an explosion happen right next to the wizard bird. The explosion knocked the wizard bird out of the air, but she quickly got up and made bigger lasers happen. One of those lasers hit GLaDOS, and she was knocked out of the air too. But then she got up and did things.

Basically, the battle kind of just happened like that for a while. A bunch of dodging and lasers and occasional explosions, and sometimes they got hit. But when they did, they managed to not be that damaged by the stuff.

"You won't win this!" the bird wizard declared while moving away from lasers and making more lasers happen, "we may seem to be evenly matched now, but you'll see that we aren't!"

"I will win," GLaDOS said while also moving away from the many lasers, "I will stop being a bird!" And then she made _fire_ happen.

The bird wizard screamed. Due to being on fire. Fire tends to cause that. The frantic flapping of her wings resulting in the fire spreading to the walls and floor. The walls and floor weren't normally flammable, but at some point during the battle, a magical thing that makes oil happen all over the place happened. The result of this was fire. So much fire. It was all over the place. It was all over everything. The bird wizard managed to stop being on fire, but GLaDOS stopped not being on fire. And now she was the one screaming in pain. And she ended up falling on the ground somehow.

The bird wizard was now just in front of GLaDOS, who was on the ground and on fire.

"HA HA HAAAAAAAAA!" the wizard bird laughed as she prepared a big laser thing that was really big and powerful and stuff, "You will now die! As a bird!"

"_No_," a firm voice suddenly happened from behind. It was a voice that, by now, GLaDOS knew rather well. And she had never heard the voice with that tone. Until now.

The wizard bird suddenly made some kind of pained noise, and fell down. Sunshine stood behind her, holding a switchblade, which now had fresh blood covering it. GLaDOS got up and looked down upon the bleeding bird wizard. She grabbed the switchblade the cube had somehow been holding, and held it in front of her.

"Well," she began, "I suppose now it's time for you to... _head off._" she then swung the blade with great force and stuff, and the wizard bird was decapitated.

The oil had been burned off by now. GLaDOS looked towards Sunshine, and saw that she was burned and in pain. I'm not sure how she could tell she was in pain, since Sunshine looked exactly the same other than some singedness, and she doesn't have a face to show stuff, but she could tell. Somehow. She gave the knife back to Sunshine, and then painededly walked towards the twelfth book. She grabbed it, and the two left the cave.

The chest full of the other eleven books had been left outside the cave. GLaDOS opened the chest, and took out all the other books, and now started actually looking at the twelfth book. On its cover was a number, just like the others, and the words 'Magicia Fanficious'. She began to read it, but she stopped after one page. The book's contents were so horrific, she just couldn't read more. Reading one page had already begun to take away sanity, and she didn't need to lose more.

She arranged them by numerical order, and they began doing stuff. There was glowing. Stuff was happening. And then, suddenly, there was a flash of bright light and stuff.

GLaDOS, Sunshine, and the books had been teleported to the room where GLaDOS would always be before things began. Just where she wanted to be. She wasn't sure how the place hadn't exploded yet, since she'd been gone for like months or something. But it was definitely good that the place was unexploded. The glowing continued, and the books did things. Stuff was occurring. Said stuff resulted in things.

And GLaDOS was now not a bird anymore.

"Well," she said, "That was an experience."

"Ooooooooh~, so now our journey is complete?"

"Yes. Yes it is."

"Yay!~"

So after all that, GLaDOS was really glad that that was over. But that experience had taught her a valuable lesson of some kind. I have no idea what it was, but she definitely was taughtified it.

And so, the science resumed. Everything went back to normal and stuff.

And things were great.

The end.


End file.
